Fight

I lost it.  I lost the desire to fight with those words I heard in January 2016 - "He didn't make it". 
And the fight was immediately replaced with emptiness.

He was my hero, my mentor, my friend and sounding board.  He was my father.  And in that very moment he was gone.  It was the second time my world came crashing down in just 3 years and I would have no idea how much it would effect me.   How does one continue through life normally after someone that was a huge part of all of a sudden isn't. 

There was the funeral, dealing with belongings, the estate and trying to figure out everything he had and everything that needed to be done.  I had become increasingly busy at work, and was just a little grateful I had all of these things that would keep the emptiness from taking over.

But it did slowly take over and the "old me" was revealing itself piece by piece.  The desire for food, the depression, the self doubt and the laziness was starting to take over. 

Until, I heard the magic words "I have a fight for you". 

I had voiced to my trainer that I wanted to get in the ring some day, in a real boxing match.   It seemed like the logical next step.  I had opened up my own boxing gym, and I needed to find something that would challenge me, that I could work towards, that would fill the emptiness.  And that was it - a real boxing match.

It's not about hitting, or getting hit for me.  It's about becoming even better than I am, getting stronger, more confident than I could have ever imagined.  I want to see if I can actually do it, with the years of training I have had.  I'm nervous, I'm excited and anxious to start the rigorous training.

It's with this that I proudly announce the formation of the UnderGround Fight Team.  I know there are others out there just like me that need a challenge, need something to work towards, just need something to fill the emptiness.  And I do this for not only myself, but for all of them.  Because life is much better when you are a part of a team. 

So today, I begin to fight.  Again.

                

The Next Chapter

199 lbs.  That is what I now weigh.  199 lbs.  After months and months of hard work, sweat, sacrifice and determination I have finally reached my initial goal weight.  This is the first time in over 15 years that I have been under 200 lbs.  And it feels amazing.

But the best thing is, is that I'm not done yet.  I have lots to do and lots to accomplish before I officially say "I've hit my goal".

When I set the original goal to lose 65 lbs and to get to 199, I really had no idea what was yet to come.  I could have never imagined what my life is like today.  One that is filled with confidence and self esteem.  I am much happier and I have become so much stronger, both inside and out, than I have ever been or have ever thought I could be.  I have met some amazing new people, and have made great friends throughout this journey.  People and friends that I will never forget.

One of those people I will never forget was my weight loss coach, whom I met at Curves 18 months ago.  She took the time every week to sit down with me and to just talk.  She helped me create goals, keep track of my nutrition and went over my fitness results.  We talked about the good, the bad and the ugly.  With all of the great things that have happened, I have also had setbacks, failures, struggles and tears.   There were several times when I was so frustrated;  frustrated with the process and the "why me" that I thought about quitting.  But I didn't quit.  I didn't quit because I had someone to help me realize that I am human.  I had someone tell me that this was a journey and it will take time, and that everything I was feeling, that I was going through, that I had to overcome made me a better person.  I became someone that would never forget what it was like, and someone that would never forget how strong they needed to become.

And I owe it to her.

It's been over a year since our last coaching session, but all of the things I have learned, all of the processes and habits that I had developed have stayed with me all this time.

I believe in "callings".  Things that people just somehow know that they are meant to do at a certain time.  And with that, I have decided that now is the time that I need to "pay it forward" by becoming a weight loss coach myself.  To take what she taught me and the tools I was shown and help others achieve their wight loss goals.  I will focus on goal setting, weekly planning, nutrition & fitness as well as reflection and rewards with my clients.  And I couldn't be happier to be able to offer this program.

I have been busy setting up partnerships, taking courses and getting everything lined up, and I hope to be taking on clients very soon!  Watch for updates.......

I chose......

The Minnesota State Fair is without a doubt my favorite place to attend in the summer.  Growing up, my parents took us on a regular basis and even back then I loved it.  It was something about all of the food, of course, added with lots of people watching and just spending time as a family doing something fun.  As I entered high school, the yearly trip to the fair was combined with marching in the parade as part of my high school marching band (yes, I was a total band geek and loved it!!).  It was a very strict lesson on money management since the "rents" only gave me so much money to spend all day.  No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to have any money left by the time dinner time came.

For the last few years I have gone with a wonderful friend.  We have always had such a great time, just walking, eating, walking some more, chatting and more eating.  We had made plans to attend the fair again this year, and we were going on the first day it opened;  Thursday.

I was really nervous this year about going.  I had made it so far in my journey that I didn't want the guilt and the feeling of disappointment for pretty much eating whatever I wanted and not sticking to my plan.  I really wasn't sure how I could get past that, or even if I would.  Of course, there are foods that are a MUST have for me;  cream puffs with milk, roasted corn, Sweet Martha's Cookies to name a few and part of the disappointment was me thinking I couldn't have those this year.  Or that I shouldn't.

I chose to live.

Thursday came.  And when I woke up, it dawned on me;  I chose to live.  I chose to live for one day and eat what I wanted with no worries, no strings, no issues.  I wanted to have a great time with a great friend and not be stressing, or counting or writing things down.  I wanted to watch people and shop while I had a cream puff and cookies.  It was a fabulous day and for the first time in a long time I just existed.  I was just me. Stef with an F.

As we were walking and chatting, my friend made a very powerful statement.  She said "how we live now will determine how we live when we are old".   And that couldn't be any more true.  We have to decide today, right now, how we want to live tomorrow. 

Exactly 16 months ago today, I chose to live.  I chose to be active and healthy and happy.  I chose to want to live longer, to enjoy myself doing things I loved.  I chose to get together with friends and not watch life just pass me by.  I chose to get up and try new things.  I chose to love myself again. 

And today, I go back to the girl who once was overweight and depressed.  The girl that needs to watch what she eats, and needs to follow the plan and to write things down.  The girl that loves to box and sweat and works her ass of.  The girl who will always have to work at it. The girl who wants to live a long, happy life. 

Today I go back to the girl that chose to live. 

The Shirt

15 months ago I was a plus sized girl at a size 24.  I had very few choices when it came to stores that offered cute, stylish clothing in my size.  A day shopping at the mall, which should have been fun and enjoyable, was daunting and depressing.  I could never find anything that fit me "just right", or that made me feel beautiful and would want to go out in public in.  Sure, there were stores just for plus sized girls, but no matter how cute I thought the shirt was, or the pants were, I was much more concerned about the size on the tag and how that size on the tag made me feel.  No matter what, I always felt like a cross between a tent, and a slob.  

A lot of the time, I would need to hit the men's section in order to find shirts and pants that would fit. There was nothing feminine about the men's sweatpants, t-shirts and sweatshirts that I frequently would wear not only around the house but in public.  It was extremely disheartening to see all of the really cute women's Vikings or Twins shirts, but knowing that at even the biggest size they offered there wouldn't be a one that would be big enough to fit me.   

I settled.  I settled on most of my clothes because I wasn't offered anything else.   I often heard "sorry we don't have that in your size", or "because that doesn't come in your size here is something else".   It happened over and over, and it was one of the things that broke me.  I wanted to be like all the other girls.  I wanted to wear what they wore.  I wanted to wear cute and frilly and beautiful.  I wanted to dress up and be feminine.  

So I worked.  I drove.  I sweated.  I sacrificed.  I cried.  I hit a heavy bag.  I lifted heavy things.  I changed.  I did all this so I didn't have to settle.  

And it worked.  I'm now a size 12 and I wear skirts, and color, and beautiful things.  No more baggy men's t-shirts or sweatshirts and I have feminine Vikings and Twins "fan wear".  I no longer hear "that doesn't come in your size".  I no longer settle.  

 

Until recently.  Recently I was forced to settle once again because of my size.  Because the women's shirt that was chosen didn't come big enough for me, I was given a men's shirt:  a men's shirt that didn't fit.   I was told it would be fine.  But it wasn't fine.  I wore a shirt that was completely different than everyone else's.  

All of the insecurities came back;  I am now the fat girl again who was forced to settle.  The girl who doesn't look like the other girls.  The girl who heard "that doesn't come in your size, here is something else" once again.  

Will I always be the girl in the different shirt?

It's amazing to me how an event, no matter how small it seems, can trigger so much emotion and make me feel like I once did.  Is this how we learn and move on?  Are we given these situations as some sort of test to see how we react?  All I know is it really makes me want to hit heavy things.

Before and During

This is me in May of 2012.  I'm guessing I was 250 lbs.  This was taken in the Dominican and I'm a little sunburned.  Someone forgot to REAPPLY sunscreen! 

This is me late summer of 2013.  My mother had died the January before, and I hit rock bottom.  Here I was 260 lbs.  This was after I decided to change my hair color, which I really did like, and I still have it now!  Well, a version of it anyway  :)

This is me, May 29 2015.  204 lbs and 6 sizes smaller. 

 

I still have some work to do to get where I want to be.  I could lose a few more pounds, tighten up a handful of areas, and maybe find some really good sunless tanner.  :)

"I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her"  ~Kaci Diane

 

Goals

I was never one that liked to set goals.  If I didn't set one, I couldn't be devastated when I didn't reach it.  Various times in my life I was asked, or told, that I needed to create goals;  long term, short term, big and small.  I would typically pass on the opportunity and move on. 

When I started with my weight loss coach, of course one of the first things she asked me to do was to create some goals.  I replied with "my first goal is to never have goals"  to which she wasn't completely satisfied with.  I had thought about it for a little, and had asked if I could have some time to come up with goals that I could live with.  This was a time that I was needing to change, and this would have to be one thing that I had to improve on;  setting goals. 

So I had come up with some minor goals on a weekly basis;  get more steps in, try a new recipe, take a walk 3 times a week, things like that.  Small, attainable goals.  And as small as they were, it felt great to achieve each and every one of them.  I did decide to set one big one;  to get under 200 lbs which meant losing 65 lbs.  in 1 year.

When April came, one year later, I was 4 lbs away from my goal and here I am at the end of May and still 4 lbs from my goal.  Everything I have been working for the past year + has to do with the number on the scale.  How many pounds I can lose today, this week, this month or total.   The last few months, my weight loss just came to a screeching halt.  There were some days where I gained a pound or two, but then lost it. 

The odd thing is, I have continued to drop sizes, and have dropped one size since my goal date.  It just really blows my mind that I have been so fixated on what the scale says, that I have forgotten about every inch that I have lost.  That damn scale allows me to determine success or failure on a daily basis.  But I have recently realized, that a number on the scale doesn't show how much smaller I look.  A number on the scale doesn't determine how much better I feel.  A number on the scale doesn't show how proud of myself I am. 

So I must now set a new major goal.  Or two.
1.)  To drop another size by the end of the summer
2.)  To get all of the loose skin on my arms to tighten the hell up.  :)

If I quit now, I will soon be back where I started.  And when I started I was desperately wishing to be where I am now. 

The Hubster

Jason (who I affectionately call "the hubster") and I have been married for 16 years.  We met 19 years ago while I was a waitress and he was a cook at Perkins.  There was just something about him.  It could have been his big blue eyes,  his wonderful smile, or the fact that he laughed at all of my jokes.  Whatever it was, I knew he was the one for me, and I was right.

The day I decided I needed to change, I informed him that I was going on a weight loss journey and that I needed to change my habits.   He smiled and said "good".   For the past year, he has graciously tried new recipes (some good, some not so good) and has even weighed and measured my food when it was his turn to cook.  When I wanted to work out on the Wii at home without an audience, all I would have to do is give him the "look" and he would all of a sudden have something that he needed to do elsewhere and he would leave me be. 

When I came home the day I found out about Title Boxing Club, I apprehensively informed him that I was going to try boxing.  I wasn't really sure what he would say, maybe something along the lines of "Boxing?  Are you nuts woman?"  Instead he said "OK" with a smile.   After my first class, I got home and he was anxiously waiting wanting to know how it went and what I thought.  Although he doesn't really say much, I could tell that he was pleased when I told him that I loved the class and that I had joined. 

I started going to classes two days a week.  I then increased it to 3 days a week and now to 4 days a week.  In the 8 months I have been going to classes, he has never once complained of me being gone, nor has he gotten upset because the housework was slacking or he was eating dinner alone.   After I get home from every class he has asked me how it was. 

He said to me one day "I would have never guessed in a million years you would be boxing.  I'm very proud of you and I am glad to have my happy wife back."

There is no way I could have had the success I have had this past year (and the past 19) without him.  Having his support and love during everything has made me a stronger, much better person. 

Every day I wake up and am amazed at how wonderful he is, and how lucky I am that he chose me.  He has seen me fail and he has seen my cry.  He has watched me succeed and has watched me grow.  We have definitely had our ups and downs, but he has been by my side every day and has supported me in everything I have done, without complaint.  I can't imagine where I would be without him in my life.  

I used to joke when I would tell people that "he knows my soul and he loves me anyway".  Now I know that that statement couldn't be any more true.