15 months ago I was a plus sized girl at a size 24. I had very few choices when it came to stores that offered cute, stylish clothing in my size. A day shopping at the mall, which should have been fun and enjoyable, was daunting and depressing. I could never find anything that fit me "just right", or that made me feel beautiful and would want to go out in public in. Sure, there were stores just for plus sized girls, but no matter how cute I thought the shirt was, or the pants were, I was much more concerned about the size on the tag and how that size on the tag made me feel. No matter what, I always felt like a cross between a tent, and a slob.
A lot of the time, I would need to hit the men's section in order to find shirts and pants that would fit. There was nothing feminine about the men's sweatpants, t-shirts and sweatshirts that I frequently would wear not only around the house but in public. It was extremely disheartening to see all of the really cute women's Vikings or Twins shirts, but knowing that at even the biggest size they offered there wouldn't be a one that would be big enough to fit me.
I settled. I settled on most of my clothes because I wasn't offered anything else. I often heard "sorry we don't have that in your size", or "because that doesn't come in your size here is something else". It happened over and over, and it was one of the things that broke me. I wanted to be like all the other girls. I wanted to wear what they wore. I wanted to wear cute and frilly and beautiful. I wanted to dress up and be feminine.
So I worked. I drove. I sweated. I sacrificed. I cried. I hit a heavy bag. I lifted heavy things. I changed. I did all this so I didn't have to settle.
And it worked. I'm now a size 12 and I wear skirts, and color, and beautiful things. No more baggy men's t-shirts or sweatshirts and I have feminine Vikings and Twins "fan wear". I no longer hear "that doesn't come in your size". I no longer settle.
Until recently. Recently I was forced to settle once again because of my size. Because the women's shirt that was chosen didn't come big enough for me, I was given a men's shirt: a men's shirt that didn't fit. I was told it would be fine. But it wasn't fine. I wore a shirt that was completely different than everyone else's.
All of the insecurities came back; I am now the fat girl again who was forced to settle. The girl who doesn't look like the other girls. The girl who heard "that doesn't come in your size, here is something else" once again.
Will I always be the girl in the different shirt?
It's amazing to me how an event, no matter how small it seems, can trigger so much emotion and make me feel like I once did. Is this how we learn and move on? Are we given these situations as some sort of test to see how we react? All I know is it really makes me want to hit heavy things.
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